Source code for Microsoft marketing

Source code for Microsoft marketing

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/* MARKET.EXE */

#include #include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x)
lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define soon
next_year
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()


{
if (latest_windows_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);;

/* Standard Call, in lies.h */
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month.");
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work.");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to " "the 32-bit architecture.");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh.");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant " "'cus all those customers will need at least 32 megs.");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple.");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone.");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
}
while (vapourware)
{
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("That is a hardware problem, not a software problem.");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this " "fellow.");
}
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers);
/* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
}

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money);
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version.");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, Big_Bill_Book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}